I have always known that I was gay. Most of my early childhood memories start around the age of 5. I remember going to the bathroom in first grade and thinking there was something about that room. Most likely, the fact that I could be doing something very personal (using the bathroom) while my best friend was doing the same thing next to me. And at no point in my entire life have I ever looked at a girl/woman and thought that I just had to have sex with her...or even think of dating her. Now my mind can be a bit perverted at times, but I won't even begin to tell you what I think when I see a hot guy! ;) (For the record, yes, I have had sex with women, and no, it did not make me sick or gross me out. I do consider myself bisexual only for the fact that I don't mind having sex with women, but at the same time, I never seek women out for sex. I just enjoy sex with men, the company of men, just being around men so much more than women.)
So back to when I was 6 years old and knew that something was different. I might not have known what was up...but something was oddly exciting for me in the bathroom. When I started 5th grade, our school district brought all the 5th graders in the district to one school. The big thing in 5th grade was all the boys would go out for basketball. It was a very strange time for me. I really sucked at sports, but I got to play a lot because I was very tall (I was 6' tall in the 5th grade). I also discovered jockstraps, and that would become a new fascination of mine. The excitement that I would get about the bathrooms, was multiplied tremendously by the locker room. But this time of great excitement was also a time of great embarrassment for me. For only being 11 years old, I was quite developed. This was proven to me when most of the guys in my class were lucky if they were starting to grow pubic hair. I was well beyond that stage. Actually, there was only one other guy in my class that was more developed than me, but he was also 2 years older because he had been held back twice. So while I was excited to be in the locker room, I was also very self-conscious because I thought I was a bit of a freak. This began a period of time for me where I was very nervous about being around other guys. I finally out grew this by junior high when I realized that the rest of my class had finally gone through puberty.
When I was 11, I started messing around with TG, who was a neighbor kid. TG was 4 years older than me. Even though our parents were friends, this was a very secretive relationship. TG was the town freak. He was well known for going around at night and looking into windows. Needless to say, my parents didn't like me talking to him. Later on, I would come to realize that my parents were doing what was best for me. The next year when I was 12, I started messing around with CB, my next door neighbor. Even though CB were in the same class and the same age, we really didn't socialize at school. His parents let him have a mini-bike, so I would go over there all the time and we would ride on that. We also liked to ride our bikes down to an old stone quarry on the edge of town. After a year of messing around with CB, I stopped seeing TG. CB and I continued to mess around until our sophomore year in high school. He got a girlfriend and that was the end for us.
While I still hadn't labeled myself as being gay, I definitely knew that I liked boys. So my sex life, which began very early, came to a halt after CB. I didn't do anything else sexually until I discovered the bathrooms (what is it with bathrooms for me?) at the local college campus. Both of my parents worked at this campus, with my mom working in the library. My senior year of high school, I would walk to her office after school. I would sit outside her office at one of the tables in the study area of the library and do my homework while I waited for my mom to get off work. One day I needed to use the bathroom. Remembering that there was one by the entrance to the library, I went there to take care of business. I was in a stall when I noticed there was tons of graffiti all over the stalls. I was getting very aroused while reading this because a lot of the graffiti was gay oriented. That is when I noticed there was a very small hole in the stall wall and that the guy in the next stall over watching me through this hole. Well from that day forward, I always made sure to visit the bathroom at the library. Shortly after that, I got my first boyfriend (if I had to label what happened between us). KN was a college student and he would take me to the local "alternative" bar. Even though I was still in high school, this local "alternative" bar was a well known place for the gay crowd in town. I would later come to realize that it was also popular with the art crowd, townies, and the gothic crowd. It was pretty much always full of all kinds of people. This is when I was beginning to admit to myself that I was gay. KK had told me he was gay, and I was kinda dating him. He later took me to a gay party, which was being thrown by a boss of mine. I was working at McDonald's at the time, and it was well known there that the one manager was gay. He was a great role model for my coming out, because he showed me that gay people can lead normal lives. He was very friendly, everybody at work loved him, but he was also not a flaming queen. (You have to remember this was the 80's, the only gay people I really knew where the stereotypical flaming queens that appeared on tv or in the movies.) KK and I didn't last very long after that party. And I didn't date again until I was 22, but I discovered that being gay wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. As long as I kept that part secret from my family and friends, I was happy with being gay.
Tomorrow, I will continue with this story and write about how I came out to some friends and finally to my family.
4 comments:
Craig, thanks for sharing your story. It's very enlightening. BTW, I prefer the company of men, too--socially and otherwise. Always have.
BTW, I prefer the company of men, too--socially and otherwise. Always have.
LOL See, I am a pretty good judge of character. I was pretty sure you were that way! :P
Well, I find that in general, men easier to talk to. Also, men don't hold grudges nearly as long as men do.
That's one of the many reasons why I'm glad my children are boys. Except for the cat, I'm the only girl in the house. And I like it that way.
I totally agree about men being easier to talk to. I have always said that was one of the reasons I liked being gay. Definitely easier to meet guys. I always said if I had kids, I would want boys.
Post a Comment